My Story – Why going within is the key to everything
Looking back to when I was a kid I realise how active and into life I was, from swimming in the pool five times a day, riding bikes, climbing trees, building cubby houses. I was naturally always looking for adventure, thrill, freedom and to feel alive and in the moment. I was actually called a ‘tom boy’ because i played soccer with all boys, was naturally very strong and excelled at all sports. But as some years went on and high school hit, like so many parts of me closed down. I think a lot of us can close down through different events in our life, maybe we were hassled at school, embarrassed, couldn’t play sport very well, couldn’t work out the maths problems or never seemed to attract guys. For me, I now realise I literally thought I was masculine (inside i thought i was like a boy because those are the messages I received.) I also remember being hassled because I was ambi dexterous and also wrote backwards, so I remember being sent to some special learning testing place, confirming my beliefs that yes, i am different, i am not smart, i’ll never be good enough.
It was not until a partner at age 26 told me I was really feminine did I suddenly realise in a split second how the negative perception of myself was completely wrong. How I had been confused inside about who i was. I still though at that point felt inside I was not smart like others and would never be confident and excel.
Whatever it is, these things that can cause such pain happen to us all, and we forget about them and the pain within. We are then suddenly graduating and feeling the pressure to ‘make something of ourselves’, prove our worth or make our parents or everyone else happy and proud of us. So I found myself enrolled in a commerce degrees then moving to London and working, partying, drinking a lot, just getting through the week. I always found myself feeling like I was different and not really fitting in the with the main stream, but took this as ‘what’s wrong with me’, and so I looked for that excitement, happiness, freedom, aliveness and adventure I so naturally experienced and sought as a child in anything I could in the society I was growing up in like shopping, alcohol, relationships, parties, extreme sports, travel.
Because I was looking outside of myself and not inside, i never felt fulfilled, there was always a void, so the searching got more intense. It got to a tipping point in my life when I was about 26, and hit rock bottom. I sustained two severe sporting injuries in soccer and touch football and still carried on partying, drinking heavily, consuming stimulants and not sleeping well until literally my mind, body and spirit started to break down. I felt physical pain from the injuries, anxiety, restlessness, even panic attacks when i tried to play touch football again. I knew something was wrong, but the allopathic doctors asked me if i was depressed and tried to give me pills. Looking back, that was a key turning point in my life. I didn’t take any pills, a soft voice inside my head told me I was not depressed. At that point I openly expressed in tears, literally breaking down to those around me that I feel so disconnected from this society, to the parties, the drinking, the high heels, this life. Something deep down inside of me knew there must be something else but at that point I had no idea what was yet to come.
Somehow, through my intuition, I took a leap of faith and enrolled in college to study a therapy called Kinesiology while I worked full time to support my education, I then found myself going to all the yoga studios in Sydney and feeling some kind of relief from my suffering. I remember going to nearly every single one, and so within months my focus from substance abuse and parties shifted to yoga and meditation, I was feeling a new high, something similar to how id feel on the sporting field, climbing trees or swimming in my pool as a kid.
I always had visions in my minds eye of not just visiting India, but living there, and so somehow the Indian Lonely planet sat on my desk every day for a year until finally the ticket was booked. This was the the big step I needed to viscerally know that something else existed other than what most people in the ‘modern world’ have been conditioned into. I experienced a connection to something greater, and prolonged periods of pure bliss, ecstacy and joy through Kundalini Yoga and Meditation, so when I got back to Sydney everything shifted. All the toxic behaviours, habits and people melted out of my life, because my energy (vibration) had changed. I must admit, there were a couple of relapses along the path, but nothing that’s shaken me off. I then through this heightened vibration catapulted into a number of years of study through NLP, Mind Detox therapy, Hatha Yoga, Reiki, Kundalini Yoga, travelled to around 15 different countries and evolved into a woman I honestly feel proud of.
I am leaving Bali in one week to fly to my brithplace of Sydney. Looking back a handful of years to the life I was living in London and Sydney, always chasing something external, never feeling satisfied. But actually all along, I was the answer, it has been right here inside of me, the love for my own innocence, my heart, my inner child, my soul whatever you want to call it is what my ‘abandoned’ self has been longing for. I chose to look outside of myself, like so many, i simply didn’t know any better.
When we look outside of ourselves we are caught in the ego, caught in looking for approval, for people to like us, to stand out, be recognised. But when you know there is something bigger going on, something that has created all of us, all of this life, you then start to do things from the perspective of service, for a purpose bigger than your self and not mere self gain. It shifts to serving the thing that crated us, and this along with self connection and loving your heart is what brings the ultimate happiness, aliveness, fulfilment, confidence we are all naturally seeking.
When we are stuck thinking it comes from an external source, we never feel enough, or think we are enough because we subconsciously think that we are not whole just as we are. Every human being feels the same emotions, from fear, hurt, resentment, embarrassment to joy from a president to a school teacher. We are all in this together. Everyone had their first day of school and felt sad, afraid and vulnerable at some point. And it is these ‘hurts’/’triggers’/’wounds’ that show up later in adult life. And because of this, we must talk to our self, we must love our self as though we are speaking to that pure, innocent, divine five year old. The one within who is so desperately looking to be held, acknowledged, loved and supported because we literally are communicating with that as our heart is our innocence, our purity and our power.
If we continue to neglect our-self and not connect deeply within and love our heart, and feel the pain so it can be released, we will look for external validation, we will continue to run from ourselves and chase the partner, money, success etc we think will cause all of this pain to disappear. But it simply cannot.
The only way is to go within and give yourself the love that others simply didn’t have the capacity to give.
Think of yourself as a child and all you were excited about, and go and do that which makes you come alive, for something deep within already knows whats best.
This morning as I sat in meditation, played my harmonium and sung “Sat Nam Wahe Guru” looking out to the rice paddy fields, tears began to roll down my cheeks, just because, just because I am alive, I am alive inside, and that’s enough, that’s a beautiful thing.
#Bauty is Nature
#Nature is Beauty
#We are Nature
#Our Nature is our Beauty
#Our Beauty is our gift.
#Share it. The world needs your light.